16 Days of Activism #SRHRvoices Blog: The Cost of Being a Sexual Rights Defender

Blog by an SRHR activist from Indonesia

I started working on Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights (SRHR) issues in Indonesia in 2007. At the time, I was 19 years old and in my second semester of my undergraduate degree. The main reason why I worked on SRHR issues was to limit the amount of violence against women in my country. I never made any public disclosure about my experience as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) and domestic violence because I wanted people to see me for my qualities, not only for my past trauma. Most people in my country tend to feel pity towards the survivors, yet I want this country to change, not to pity me. Some people, including those who claim to be sexual rights defenders, do not understand fully what violence against women is like in real life.

The sexual harassment experiences
After a half year of exciting voluntary work in a youth center, I started receiving disturbing calls, which were intended to sexually harass not only me but other female volunteers in the center. We provided phone consultation about reproductive health issues, yet about 35% of calls were from men who sexually harassed us. I learned on my own to identify the harassers and stop them before they started harassing me and other young female volunteers.

It did not stop there, I was sexually harassed by an older man who was my working counterpart from the government. He manipulated me as if he wanted to have a dinner as a working partner. I was just turning 20 years old and was too innocent to understand that he wanted a sexually intimate “dinner”. He started a sexual conversation which made me very uncomfortable and then took me to a very far place for dinner. I was very scared and a little bit shaken since I was in the car. I told him that I wanted to go home but he kept trying to make me stay until he finally dropped me home. To be released, he forced me to hug him and threatened me to not tell anyone about what happened that evening.

The day after, I came to the center and talked to the youth coordinator. That incident brought back my trauma as a CSA survivor, it left me with depression and anxiety. After my disclosure, the coordinator told me that this old man was known as ‘flirty’ to young female volunteers. I felt that the youth center failed to protect its young female volunteers from this kind of predator. I hoped this would be the one and only sexual harassment experience from the government counterpart. Yet, it did not go as I hoped.

The cost of sexual harassment
In 2010, I again experienced intense sexual harassment from the government counterpart. It was another story of an old man who tried to take advantage of a young woman. No matter how many rejections I gave him, he still texted and called me many times urging to meet and even called me ‘mama’. I always asked my male friends to answer his calls. It is sad that it was only through this way that he finally stopped. It took me a few months until I had the courage to report him to his colleagues.

Various kinds of sexual harassment such as ‘sexual comments’, sexually wild stares, and stupid sexist jokes were the common experiences when I worked in policy level with the government counterpart. Sometimes I had the energy to fight but sometimes I just wanted to have a peaceful day by ignoring those things. It is exhausting that I have to fight to be respected as a human being. In 2013, I experienced a rape attempt from my colleague who also fights for SRHR issues. It brought me into tears, fears and series of depressions. This time, it took me a year to report it and I still sometimes deal with the shock and intense fear of what happened to me that evening.

I have been working on my personal traumas for the last two years. I never thought that trauma would cost this long years period of time. The saddest thing of being a survivor is I have a low self-worth. It did not matter how many achievements I had and how truly people love and care about me, I sometimes do not think that people can accept the way I am. I have also learned that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to my traumas and living with PTSD means that I would re-experience my trauma over and over again if my trauma experiences were triggered.

Things happened in the past, I wish they stayed in the past. However, PTSD gives me series of flashbacks, nightmares, even bodily reactions every time I experience any single thing that puts me in a situation of intense fear, shock and hopelessness. I was grieving about this situation until one day I decided to live with it because it is also a part of who I am today. What does not kill us makes us stronger, isn’t it?

The myths around sexual rights defenders
Many people think that sexual rights defenders would have sex with everyone as if sexual intercourse is the center of our universe. We do support the right of everyone to exercise bodily autonomy, we support everyone who wants to have sex whenever they are ready with whomever they want regardless of any backgrounds. Yet, people tend to not remember that above the sexual intercourse, there is a thing called ‘consent’. Consent means that our sexual counterpart agrees that he or she wants to have sex with us too consciously (not under drugs or alcohol). Further, many people also forget that sexual rights defenders also support asexual people (people who do not have sexual desire).

I also learned that not all sexual rights defenders understand the ‘power abuse’ in sexual harassment or abuse settings. Just because someone works for SRHR issues, it does not mean he or she would never commit a sexual harassment or abuse act. You need to be careful and understand that activists can abuse the power as much as people who are against sexual rights. Coming from a marginal group, I worked so hard to be respected equally and to be free from sexual harassment and abuse.

I wish there was more information about sexual harassment and abuse when I started my activism in SRHR issues. I wish all sexual rights defenders would know what ‘NO’ means so they would not commit sexual harassment or abuse acts like sex offenders. I wish that many organizations had policies to protect its young volunteers from all kinds of harassment and abuse forms. I wish there was more support for me as an activist who is also a survivor. I hope this year of 16 days of activism can bring more support for the ‘wounded’ sexual rights defender.

Help us make visible the often silent struggles SRHR defenders have to endure every day as Women’s Human Rights Defenders. Your story can help raise awareness about the violence that SRHR activists face on a daily basis and be a source of strength for thousands of SRHR defenders! #SRHRvoices #SRHRheroes #16Days